BOOK 4: GENTLY REMOVING THE LAYERS
We wait, and the story of the prodigal son becomes more real.
“Ours is a God who waits.
Who are we not to?”— Father Greg Boyle, Tattoos On the Heart
If you opened this module, your formerly incarcerated friend has likely disappeared. Or, more specifically, they’re not answering calls or text messages.
The connection is lost. The unknown, the silence, is crushing.
This is incredibly painful.
But it’s ok. This is – very often – part of the process.
You didn’t fail. Your efforts in this program have not gone terribly wrong. Rather, our dying to our assumptions of what “success” looks like is a central part of practicing resurrection together.
It’s likely your friend has taken some steps back towards the familiar underground. These are old patterns that held them in shadow for years, long before you met. There are webs of old, toxic relationships. Old addictions. Faced with so much of the unknown, many releasing folks lean back into their familiar places of comfort to cope with pain, shame, and stress.
Think about it: If you’re in Lazarus’ position, resurrection can be terrifying.
HEARTBREAK
Breaking, it turns out, is often what opens our hearts most fully.
When I was in college, surrounded by piles of books and papers, I read this, and then wrote it on my apartment wall:
“God instructs the heart not through ideas but through pains and contradictions.”
— Jean Pierre De Caussade (1675–1751)
In churches, we often insulate ourselves from this way that God tries to teach us. Instead of pains and contradictions, we build our churches around comforts and false certainties. We wrap ourselves, our services, our children in sermons, songs, liturgies, lessons. We find programs that assure packaged, feel-good results. We protect ourselves and our families from the very way God transforms us, and where Jesus leads his disciples: where our hearts break open.
At the Kickoff Orientation, we talked about the greatest risk we run: not that this person would break into your house, but worse — they could break your heart.
Saying “yes” to this heartbreak — as you did at the start of this journey, in choosing to draw near to the prison tombs of our time, letting yourself grow to love someone in there, and with every Welcoming Prayer — you are entering the downward movement of God in Christ.
QUICK QUESTION
CHRIST AIMED HIS MOVEMENT DOWNWARD
Christ descends from privilege, comfort, heaven itself (Philippians 2) to our messy human situation. Then this divine love in the flesh descended even deeper to the lowest parts of human society, where he faced betrayal, disappointment, misunderstanding – letting us arrest and even kill Him. Then God was stuffed into the tomb itself.
In a letter decades later, Jesus’ closest follower, Peter, imagined Jesus continuing his ministry even there—among the dead—bringing the good news of God’s love and embrace even “to the souls in prison” (1 Peter 3:16).
This is the ever-downward movement of God’s love.
We don’t get to see the resurrection without entering the death part first. That’s where you are now as a team. With Christ and your loved one, in the tombs. Holy Saturday.
Now is a time to feel the cost of this mystery. To not protect your heart, but to follow Christ’s love for your friend into uncomfortable places. Sit in silence. Pray for them. Let your friend pull your heart into your community’s local underground—wherever they are out there.
It’s ok to cry.
“Maybe God’s heart is the most broken of all.
Maybe that’s why it’s so big.”— Kelly, early One Parish One Prisoner participant
WEEPING
“Jesus wept.” The shortest verse in the entire Bible. (John 11)
It was for his friend Lazarus, when Jesus learned Lazarus was in the tomb. It’s possible this weeping, this holy heartbreak of God, is always the first step to resurrection. I have come to believe weeping may be the secret to the resurrection.
Before the tomb cracks open, a heart breaks open.
When you and your team first started, you didn’t begin with weeping or heartbreak. You didn’t yet know or love your incarcerated friend. It was Christ’s heartbreak for your friend long before He called you to get involved — like the group he called to help roll away the stone. But now you have drawn closer. Now the person underground is your friend. Now you are closer to Jesus’ position. Your heartbreak is the way into God.
ANGER
You might feel angry. Or confused. ‘Why would they do this? After all we’ve given and done?’
You may feel betrayed. ‘Why would they lie to me? I trusted them!’
These are common feelings. Admit those feelings to each other, and to God.
Then hear Father Greg’s words here (possibly my favorite teaching of his, which has deepened me through years of this work):
“We seek a compassion that stands in awe of what some people have had to carry, rather than standing in judgment of how they carry it.”
— Father Greg Boyle
This disappearing act, this deafening silence, this possible relapse—it isn’t about you, dear friend. Your released friend has buckled under the crushing weight piling up through their life story, and they didn’t handle that burden the way we hoped. They didn’t ask for help in time.
Let the wise words from Fr Greg above help turn our heartbreak from judgment (against our friend, against ourselves, against the program, even) to compassion: “What has your person been carrying?”
You know enough by now to reflect well on this, together. What have you learned about your releasing friend’s story? Their past? Their wounds? Their temptations? Their addictions? Their fears? Their habits? The pressures on them from others – good and bad? As you remember and name these things, let it expand your compassion. That’s the ache in your gut that shifts. It may dampen your cheeks. It might awaken some awe at what your friend has been carrying. And maybe even some understanding of why they started to slide backwards.
“We are sowing seeds of love, and we are not [always] living in the harvest time so that we can expect a crop.
We must love to the point of folly. And we are indeed fools, as our Lord Himself was, who died for such a one as this. ”— Dorothy Day, founder of the Catholic Worker Movement
POINTERS
This whole module is speaking mostly to your team on the heart level, but here are some tangible pointers as you hold the heartbreak and wait:
KEEP MEETING. It’s essential to stick together, keep gathering. You need each other during this time. Regular meetings, and maybe an extra meeting to read through this, process, pray, and continue with the following modules. More on this below.
1-2 PEOPLE REACH OUT. If someone fell out of the boat, you don’t need everyone trying to get them back in. One or two of you who have the best connection can gently reach out, while the rest of your team can be much-needed love and support for the outreachers.
ZERO PRESSURE. When you reach out, make it simple, loving text messages. We love you. Our whole team is here, we’re not going anywhere. You’re in our prayers. No pleading. No panic. No rushing to fix, or bargain, or rescue. (Study the father in Jesus’ prodigal son parable below.)
NO MONEY. Now more than ever: relationship over resources. Make that clear boundary and agreement now. Addiction and old survival patterns are likely coming back for your friend. Money won’t help until they are back in recovery, relationship, and reflection. If they reach out right now asking for money for something, say you’d rather meet up for coffee first. Their response to that invitation will reveal where they are at and what they want at this point in their journey.
WHAT IF THEY DISAPPEAR … WHILE STILL IN PRISON?
If this happens while they’re still locked up, after a few attempts to ensure your messages are getting through:
Wonder, together: given what we know about the situation, given what we know about our friend and their story, and what we know from our own life experience, what might this person be feeling on the other side of the silence?
After a few weeks, write again. No drama, no hard questions. Just a word of blessing. Or empathy for what may be the difficulty they’re facing. Just saying: We’re still here.
Pray for your person. Ask God, together, What do you want to teach us about your heart in this moment?
Reach out to us at Underground Ministries to consult: dexter@undergroundministries.com
RUPTURE & REPAIR
It’s how we do repair work that builds real trust. Trying to keep things perfect creates anxiety. The sooner there’s a rupture and you work through it, the better. Look for moments of frustration and miscommunication as opportunities to show that this relationship won’t escalate into conflict or abandonment. Look for ways to practice gentle clarification, reassurance wherever possible, and respectful conflict resolution.
Much of their life experience tells them you’re just waiting for an opportunity to toss them aside, give up on them, drop them, walk away.
Repair happens with FAITHFULNESS – staying the course, continuing the journey.
That’s the consistency from our “Lost Art of Letter Writing” and “The Art of Building Trust” modules: Consistency, Curiosity, Kinship.
Many people in prison never experienced secure attachment from their caregivers as small children. By being a “secure base” as a small community (not one person trying to do everything), a team of relationships that doesn’t abandon or disappear but remains steady and available, with honest boundaries about what’s ok and what’s not, you are part of what therapists call “attachment repair.”
This is where you grow as a team in the work of love. Not reacting and trying to fix or control the situation (fight), not giving up (flight), not leaving an awkward silence between your teammates (freeze). Keep meeting regularly and hearing each other’s frustrations and concerns.
credit: @scottthepainter
WELCOMING PRAYER
Lean into the prayer that has hopefully been guiding your team and preparing your hearts this entire journey. We let go of control. We let go of our need for approval. We welcome whatever this season is with our releasing friend. We trust this can be part of our healing. We welcome God’s healing action and grace within.
The impulse to control may be strong for some of you at this point, when things are out of your control.
Don’t try to fix this person’s life. Discuss how best to remain steady as a loving, available team of support. No condemnation, blame, disappointment. Just, “We’re here. We care about you. We aren’t sure how to support you given the path you’re walking right now. We can’t give financial help at this point, but when you want to get together and talk about what you’re going through, we can’t wait to hear from you.”
WAITING
That’s the work right now: waiting.
Waiting is anti-control. It’s complete powerlessness.
When pain in the brain triggers our fight (frantically try to fix the situation), flight (the team scattering, not meeting, drifting), or freeze (act like nothing is happening, back to life as before, or just hiding, numb), the work of healing is to sit in the pain.
Waiting is an act of hope.
We know this from every Advent season before Christmas, right? Advent should be training us to be good at sitting in darkness, like right now.
STICK CLOSE TOGETHER
Be aware of the impulse to isolate, or distract yourself. Be aware of the person on your team who might be taking this the hardest. Check in with each other as you read this module. Schedule a team meeting sooner than later. Don’t correct each other, but listen to each other’s feelings. Love one another.
AT YOUR TEAM MEETING…
This month instead of having TEAM DISCUSSION questions about the months’ module, we have a different experience for you. Please use these important 30 minutes together by slowly reading through a familiar parable of Jesus: the story of the son who receives so much and then disappears.
Maybe you’ve heard of the spiritual practice called Lectio Divina? The idea is to read a piece of scripture slowly together, prayerfully, with silence, listening to where God’s Spirit might be speaking directly into your heart through words or moments in the passage.
LUKE 15 : 11-15 - THE STORY OF THE LOST SON
Have one person read this whole story through, slowly, while the group listens in prayer.
Then one person can ask the guiding questions below and the group can answer (we have included some common responses recorded by other OPOP teams)—so we can process the hurt and confusion of our released friend’s disappearance. Maybe we can find ourselves in this story, and the story can guide us back to the heart of God, together.
What part of this familiar story stands out to you now, in a new way?
“It’s never too late to be welcomed back.”
“Unconditional love.”
“I see the son’s feelings of unworthiness. What JR must be feeling right now, afraid to take our calls?”
“The brother is hurt, and I can kinda understand why, now.”
How has your released friend departed? Are there any similarities, or differences, with how this son goes in a suddenly different direction?
“Well, T— didn’t tell any of us, or ask for anything.”
“Both of them must think they can find what they’re looking for out there.”
“I think his addiction is raging. And like this son here, it starts with wanting more, material stuff—resources over relationship?” Silence. “Well, maybe that applies to all of us.”
Does the father plead, bargain, or try to convince the son to change his mind? What does the father do when the son shares his hurtful plan? What does the father do when the son takes off?
“No. He doesn’t even try to stop him.”
“It’s like he’s in touch with what the son might need to do—and he’s not trying to control the situation . . . to protect himself from sadness?”
“It’s like the father is not codependent, at all.”
“His heart is able to grieve.”
“He just . . . waits.
What motivates the son to come back?
“He hits rock bottom.”
“He came to himself, it says.”
“Like he remembers who he really is. His true self. His value.”
“That’s my prayer for S—”
How does the father respond when the son comes back?
“There’s no ‘I told you so.’”
“He sees him a long way off. Like he’d been waiting, hoping, the whole time.”
“He doesn’t hide how happy he is to see him. Man, if I saw B— tonight walking through those doors, I might hug him just like that.”
“The father throws a party. For us, that’d be party number two after he got out the first time!”
“Right? Maybe there’s something to that. I mean, he even says: ‘He was dead, and now he’s alive!’
“But the brother doesn’t see it that way. This will be hard to explain to others in the church. Definitely B— disappearing. But maybe there will be hard conversations, grumbling, when—hopefully—B comes back.”
“I think the way the father goes out to the other son and really wants him to share his joy, understand his heart and love—that’s how we’d have to talk with our families and other folks at church.”
Yes — ”He was dead, and now he’s alive.” The son wasn’t literally dead.
Jesus has a larger imagination of death and new life. As if it’s a relational, spiritual geography. And so the parable of the lost/prodigal son is another story of practicing resurrection.
MUSIC HELPS
Consider leaving some time at the end of your meeting to listen to this song together as a closing prayer.
May you, your team, your church, and your released friend all know God’s heart more deeply in this time.
